Microsoft Vows to Bring GitHub Down to Only 98% Downtime

In an announcement that rocked the entire open source community, Microsoft announced Monday that it will acquire GitHub for $7.5 billion. However, many were left unsure why Microsoft decided to make this move. In a exclusive interview with Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, Nonfree News uncovers Microsoft’s true goals behind this major acquisition.

Rumors of this deal had been floating around the internet in the days before Microsoft’s announcement, and they finally made it official on Monday. With over 85 million repositories hosted on GitHub, it’s a massive provider for open source projects all over the world. And Microsoft is a major part of the GitHub ecosystem, as the current top contributor.

NN: So, this acquisition is obviously a big deal. Would you mind explaining Microsoft’s rationale behind this decision?

Nadella: Of course. As you may know, Microsoft relies on GitHub every day, as the current top contributor to GitHub as a whole. But we simply cannot continue dealing with GitHub being a massive piece of garbage any longer.

NN: Sorry, what?

Nadella: I’m telling you, GitHub dies more often than Windows, and that’s saying something! Microsoft clearly cannot pretend to care about open sour-cough, er continue to support the open source community if GitHub is literally unusable on a daily basis.

NN: Yes, we have noticed that GitHub doesn’t exactly have the best track record for uptime. How do you plan to make it better?

Nadella: Well, our short term goal for right now is to at least bring the downtime down to 98%. That should be enough for Microsoft to be able to start contributing to GitHub projects again. It’s going to take a lot of work to overhaul GitHub’s web-scale systems to achieve this lofty goal, but we have confidence that Microsoft’s engineers will be able to pull it off. Once we have 98% downtime, we’ll see where we can go from there.

NN: Do you have any other goals for this GitHub acquisition?

Nadella: Actually, we do have a secondary goal for this deal. To summarize, Atom basically needs to die in a fire. We can’t deal with its extreme RAM hogging and general unusability any longer. Over the next few weeks, we’ll be quietly replacing Atom downloads and updates with Vim (of course, Emacs users need not apply). It’s about time Microsoft did the open source community a favor.

NN: This has all been very insightful. Thank you for talking with us!

haskal is a code artisan and digital nomad, and editor-in-chief of Nonfree News. He codes full stack in Nodejs/Electron with React and MongoDB and whatever the latest cool Javascript framework is. He also has over 35 confirmed single-line npm packages, and his motto is "unused ram is wasted ram", which is why all his apps are in Electron. Besides Nonfree News, he also writes Medium articles on the side.