Amazon Introduces Dash Button: Nuclear Edition

In an effort to assist US President Donald Trump in his international dominance, Amazon is introducing a new product to the Dash lineup: a nuclear launch trigger. For just $4.99, the Dash Nuclear is a steal. It’s quick and easy to press, and adheres to any surface, including the oval office desk. A small group of Nonfree News reporters visited the White House to witness this marvel first-hand.

The button, our reporters discovered, was roughly 5cm x 2cm in size, and was placed next to a teetering tower of the world’s largest tax-collection notecards. During our 15 minutes in the office, the president demonstrated the button’s easy access 4 times, each time increasing his finger’s proximity to the button.

The button, we were told, takes advantage of Amazon’s one-click-order service, which means that it is able to bypass the launch codes and trigger the nukes immediately. Very handy.

With very little prompting from our reporters, Trump included some additional details: Alongside the Dash button, Amazon also provided the president with an Echo Dot – valued at $29 – which came pre-installed with a “launch nukes” skill. At the word of President Trump, the nukes could be launched without moving a single finger. The launch phrase, Trump told us, was “Alexa, launch the nuclear missiles.”

At that point, the countdown began. At press time, Trump was seen composing a tweet to Kim Jong Un while military officials scrambled to abort the launch.

PullJosh is constantly confused, and stuggles to keep up with the rest of the team. His articles have been compared to the output of a Markov chain, and for good reason. Josh has mastered the art of pretending to know what he is talking about, but struggles to write anything other than self-depreciating humor while in the third person.