BREAKING Ajit Pai Casually Sips Big Reese’s Cup of Americans’ Tears While Laughing Maniacally

Soon after the FCC successfully repealed Net Neutrality, reports indicate FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was found casually sipping on the tears of American citizens from his infamous giant Reese’s mug while laughing maniacally.

In a landmark 3-2 vote on Thursday, the FCC killed Obama-era Net Neutrality rules that had previously protected broadband consumers from “fast lanes” and other internet censorship from their ISPs. This came despite widespread protest from the American public and many major websites such as Reddit and Netflix.

Chairman Pai, a former laywer for the American telecommunications company and broadband provider Verizon, was reportedly found in his office casually sipping from his “infamous” oversized Reese’s mug, which contained all the tears of the millions of Americans who had previously protested his attempts to kill Net Neutrality regulations. This mug, notably, had been upgraded since last time to be even bigger than that of comedian and Last Week Tonight host John Oliver, who had one-upped the size of the original mug in a previous skit.

While laughing like a madman, Pai reportedly said he was glad he managed to screw over so many unwitting Americans by putting them under complete control of their ISPs. “Millions of protesters, tons of websites, all of the poor Democrat congressmen, and they still couldn’t stop me!” he exclaimed, before bursting into another fit of laughter.

At press time, Pai was reportedly looking forward to his big promotion back at at Verizon once his term as FCC Chairman ends.


haskal is a code artisan and digital nomad, and editor-in-chief of Nonfree News. He codes full stack in Nodejs/Electron with React and MongoDB and whatever the latest cool Javascript framework is. He also has over 35 confirmed single-line npm packages, and his motto is "unused ram is wasted ram", which is why all his apps are in Electron. Besides Nonfree News, he also writes Medium articles on the side.