BREAKING Comcast and EA Merge, Introduce “Internet Lootboxes”

American internet service provider Comcast Corporation and video game company Electronic Arts Inc. have announced their new merger. This will be to “combine our strengths”, as Brian L. Roberts, CEO of Comcast, explained at a press conference on Friday.

“We’re super excited to announce this merger,” Roberts exclaimed. “It’s clearly shown that we’re very congruent companies, as we’ve both earned The Consumerist’s ‘Worst Company in America’ title.”

As a result of this, Electronic Arts CEO Andrew Wilson announced that EA would be immediately halving their customer service budget. “We recognize that Comcast’s strategy for customer service has ultimately made them a better company,” Wilson stated, noting the company’s US$9 billion net income. “We’re improving our own business by utilising Comcast’s excellent strategies.”

The biggest announcement, however, was Comcast’s introduction of “internet lootboxes”. “We’ve been working hard to improve the Internet for everyone,” Roberts said, “and we’re now introducing Internet Lootboxes, a new way to preserve a free and open internet for all.”

Internet lootboxes build on EA’s business strategies and apply them to the Internet, Roberts explained. For a small fee, Comcast will unlock five random websites for the customer. This will be on top of a plan costing $80 per month that has pre-unlocked websites such as Bing, Voat, Google+, Dailymotion and VK.com, but users will have to pay to hopefully unlock the mainstream websites they’re used to today.

“As soon as net neutrality is gone - hurry up, Ajit! - we’ll begin transitioning to lootbox-based plans,” Roberts explained. “By the end of 2018, we hope to fully transition to lootbox plans, and have lootboxes in 100% of our Internet plans.”

Immediately before this event, all statements by Comcast promising to not block or throttle against Internet content were deleted. When asked about this, Roberts denied that the statements ever existed, despite the Internet Archive saying otherwise, and immediately changed the subject to something about emails.

“We’re a strong believer in a free and open internet,” Roberts concluded, “and we want our customers to browse the internet freely. Internet lootboxes will make the internet freer than it ever was before.” After a long discussion at Nonfree News, we still aren’t sure how this proposal would make the internet more free, but we hope Roberts has something in mind.


xn--cr8h is a full stack web engineer. According to him, no project is complete without a node_modules folder of over 1GB. His main workstation has 256GB of RAM, like most PCs these days.