BREAKING Jeff Bezos Announces Purchase of Google

After his net worth surged past 100 billion US Dollars following Black Friday, Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos announced he would be using his entire accumulated net worth to purchase Google, an Amazon competitor with a valuation of just over that same $100 billion.

He announced this major buyout this morning at a press conference, surrounded by Washington Post reporters who politely clapped and asked no questions.

“I didn’t expect this at all; I entered my office yesterday morning to find Jeff sitting behind my desk, holding a check for 100 billion dollars. He’d written ‘I own you’ in sharpie on the desk’s glass surface,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai in an exclusive interview with Nonfree News.

“Neither did I,” said Google cofounder and Alphabet, Inc. CEO Larry Page. “I’m still in a bit of a shock.”

Google cofounder Sergey Brin could not be reached for comment as he immediately locked himself in Alphabet’s X laboratory, barricading the door with Waymo and Glass prototypes, following the announcement. X director Astro Teller has also disappeared.

It is not yet clear what course Bezos plans to chart with his new acquisition. At press time, reports indicate that he was seen walking around Amazon’s campus muttering something about a “PageRank Node rewrite.”

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