Richard Stallman Refuses to Be Near Anyone Who Isn’t Completely Naked

“I refuse to take the risk of possibly being mugged,” free software activist Richard Stallman announced at a “GNU/event” sponsored by the Free Software Foundation. “As a result, I will be requiring myself and all members of the Free Software Foundation to be completely naked at all times, and to not be within 5 metres of anyone who isn’t.”

Stallman’s dedication to only using free software has inspired many other people, and he says he wants to use his influence to “start a new revolution”. “Tens of thousands of people are robbed at gunpoint every year in this country,” he said. “This can be stopped simply by everyone being naked at all times, so nobody can hide their guns.”

Stallman did not reflect on whether the gun control laws of the United States had any impact on his observation.

“Furthermore, we must keep our distance from proprietary dressers”, Stallman explained. “I will personally be staying at least 5 metres from every clothed individual, and I have created a piece of free libre open source GNU free gratis GPL-licensed libre FOSS software that you all can install on your X200s that reminds you to check for people with clothing around your location every 10 minutes.” When asked if machine learning could be used with 360 degree imaging to detect clothed humans, Stallman replied incredulously. “Machine learning? What’s that?! Sounds like something out of the 2010s.”

When Nonfree News writer xn–cr8h reached out to Stallman for comment, he declined to communicate, saying that xn–cr8h was probably “proprietarily dressed”. xn–cr8h assured Stallman that he was, in fact, “freely dressed”, to which Stallman replied “I don’t believe you. Your microwave is probably running proprietary firmware - you’re obviously not a free software supporter.”

At press time, Stallman was last seen ranting on GNU Social about how too many people were “proprietarily dressed”, and how he “couldn’t even go outside”. This GNU Social post has reached a total of 4 views, becoming the site’s most popular post.


xn--cr8h is a full stack web engineer. According to him, no project is complete without a node_modules folder of over 1GB. His main workstation has 256GB of RAM, like most PCs these days.