Meet Openshoe, the Open Source™ Boot Firmware For the Open Source™ User

Masked Open Source™ users have forked Libreboot to create ‘Openshoe’.

“Libreboot requires Closed Source™ software, and in order to be fully Open Source, we need to get rid of it. It is un-openly to support computers with Closed Source™ embedded controller firmware. For the Open Source™dom of our users, we have removed these anti-features,” the project lead /u/i_use_arch_69 wrote on the official subreddit explaining the fork.

Openshoe has been evaluated by representatives from Nonfree News, whose relevant qualifications include writing, basket weaving, and absolutely nothing relevant to Open Source™ boot firmware. Using the OpenAffee program – a completely Closed Source™ program despite the name – these talented young men used their Computer Skills to determine that Openshoe is a GPL virus written by hackers.

This startling discovery from our investigative team alarmed the local citizens of Libreville. Fran Haroldstein, a local knitting expert, said while stroking her twelve cats, “It’s really concerning – Code Open hackers are targeting our children with Bulgarian rock. I once heard them singing in a transgender bathroom. What if your daughter were there?” She further elaborated on her experience, noting “the hackers deleted my apps and wrote ‘We have liberated you from your Closed Source™ tyranny. You are welcome’.”

Authors of the Open Source™ firmware have apologised for the incident, lamenting that they left her Closed Culture movie collection. “The poor women may have her Open Source™ Spirit™ violated if she watches them of her own volition.”

Still, Openshoe proponents are optimistic. “Since leaving the tyranny of the Closed Source™ Libreboot project, we have made numerous changes to better serve our users. For instance, we replaced the existing functional GRUB interface with a material design mock-up inspired by the Open Source™ from our Open Source™ loving Google overlords. And we have of course removed all Closed Source™ machines from our node.js build system.”

All Intel and AMD machines have been removed from the hardware support list. Upon hearing the news, a bearded man wearing a fedora checked himself into a mental hospital, moaning that he would give his life just to touch “Kerry”, his X200 keyboard, once again. ThinkPad bonfires accompanied by demonic chanting for Open Source™ Salvation have been reported across the Bay Area.

Meanwhile, the C201 Chromebook has also been removed. “We love what Google has done for the Open Source™ community, but the C201 contains a chip from China. China’s surveillance systems are not Open Source™; we only want Open Source™ American products”, the project’s FAQ wrote, linking to a GitHub page containing the leaked Haskell sources of the NSA XKeyscore system which has accumulated ten thousand stars since its debut on Hacker News.

In addition to these Open Source™ and UX improvements, the Openshoe team has been busy downloading Angular.JS for their new website, which is designed to attack the Closed Source™ Libreboot project. These release-critical changes will be ready in 2021, delayed as they download Angular from the Debian repositories.

There are no plans to support real hardware in Openshoe.


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