Local Full Stack Web Developer Discovers Language That Isn’t JavaScript

After being convinced by a friend that Java was not, in fact, a slang word for JavaScript, self-described “full stack web engineer” Jason Lund decided to try out this newfound language.

“I had no idea that people had made alternatives to JavaScript,” Lund explained in awe. “I wonder why they did this - did they not like JavaScript or something?”

Giving up after spending a week trying to learn what a compiler was, Lund decided to use the repl.it version of Java to try it out. He was immediately confused by the language. “Why do I have to put String in front of some variables and int in front of others?” he reportedly asked his friend Mike, bewildered. “Aren’t they both just variables?”

Lund was also appalled by “the lack of basic features” in the Java language. “When I add [] + {} it won’t return 0 - it gives me a bunch of weird things that are apparently called ‘errors’. I really can’t understand any part of this language,” he complained. “I’m not sure why they made a copy of JavaScript and removed a bunch of features and made it more confusing. What the heck even is this ‘error’ thing?!”

Last night, Lund apparently stayed up the entire night trying to subtract an integer from a string.

“It’s apparent that Java is just designed to make your life harder,” Lund said in an interview with Nonfree News, “but I’ve discovered a few more of these ‘alternative programming languages’. There’s one called PHP that sounds interesting - I might give it a shot tomorrow.”


xn--cr8h is a full stack web engineer. According to him, no project is complete without a node_modules folder of over 1GB. His main workstation has 256GB of RAM, like most PCs these days.