BREAKING Standards Organization Declares Nonfree News “Not a Real News Website”

After becoming moderately popular on social media, Nonfree News was subject to scrunity from the International Organization for Standardization. After days of discussion, Nonfree News was declared “not a real news website,” much to the dismay of members of the public.

“An initial page load only takes 1.14 seconds,” an organization member explained. “ studies point to large amounts of photo, video, and JavaScript code being the largest contributors to the size of many websites today; Nonfree News simply does not have that.”

“By today’s standards, Nonfree News’ homepage is tiny,” another told us. “Rival news site, CNN, includes a stylesheet of over 140 kB on all pages, plus over 1600 kB of JavaScript.” She continued, “sadly, this deems Nonfree News a faux news source, after days of arguing in our offices.” Nonfree News has taken action and, from October, will be including at least 30 MB of unused JavaScript polyfills on every page.

Page size and load times are not the only factors in determining the status of a news site, however. After leaving the offices, an anonymous note written in invisible ink was passed to Nonfree News associates, which detailed the exact process that websites must go through. After applying some lemon juice, the Nonfree News chief, haskal, was able to decipher the message.

As a result, Nonfree News is happy to announce popups with autoplaying video advertisments on every page of the site. The new feature will roll out in a few months after the time of writing. Please contact us with any questions about the new feature.

nanalan is a Canadian children's television series created by Jason Hopely and Jamie Shannon. The series began airing in 1999 on CBC Television in Canada. It later aired on Nick Jr. in the United States and Fox Kids in the United Kingdom.