BREAKING Man Accused of Hacking CIA Was “Just Adding Two Objects Together in Javascript”

Last Thursday, the United States’ Central Intelligence Agency was hacked and many of their critical files were deleted. Federal services tracked the activity down to Jonathan Taylor, a web developer living in San Francisco. Taylor, however, blamed a line of Javascript code for causing the damage.

“I was just mucking around in the Javascript console,” Taylor explained. “I decided to see what would happen if I added an XMLHttpRequest to and an integer together. Interestingly enough, it returned false, then just a few minutes later I got the breaking news announcement that the CIA was hacked.”

In his trial on Saturday, Taylor blamed ECMA, the standards organization behind the language, and Google’s Chrome browser for the damage. “I’ve been using Javascript for years,” he said. “I should be able to predict what my code can do to some extent.”

ECMA, however, thought this was a silly request. A spokesperson for the organization told Nonfree News, “This is Javascript. The standards have contained confusing and unpredictable edge-case behavior since the language was invented. Changing that now would be ridiculous.”

An independent investigation by cybersecurity professionals found that unsecure code on the CIA server, as well as the Chrome browser’s standards-compliant implementation of the addition operator was to blame for this mishap. They also concluded that there was likely no malicious intent on Taylor’s part. Based on these results, the charges against Taylor are expected to be dropped.

xn--cr8h is a full stack web engineer. According to him, no project is complete without a node_modules folder of over 1GB. His main workstation has 256GB of RAM, like most PCs these days.